I've decided not to join the Navy.  I've choose to have a family instead and become a mom to two handsome two little boys.  Wish me luck!

Youve got your ball
Youve got your chain
Tied to me tight tie me up again
Whos got their claws
In you my friend
Into your heart Ill beat again
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock
And sweet you roll
Lost for you Im so lost for you
You come crash into me
And I come into you
I come into you
In a boys dream
In a boys dream
Touch your lips just so I know
In your eyes, love, it glows so
Im bare boned and crazy for you
When you come crash
Into me, baby
And I come into you
In a boys dream
In a boys dream
If Ive gone overboard
Then Im begging you
To forgive me
In my haste
When Im holding you so girl
Close to me
Oh and you come crash
Into me, baby

And I come into you
Hike up your skirt a little more
And show the world to me
Hike up your skirt a little more
And show your world to me
In a boys dream.. in a boys dream
Oh I watch

you there
Through the window
And I stare at you
You wear nothing but you
Wear it so well
Tied up and twisted
The way Id like to be
For you, for me, come crash
Into me me



So true.  I feel a heart break coming on...

Millions of questions and thoughts twirled in my head as I cried myself to sleep last night.  Am I really doing the right thing?  I have finally made an establishment here in this po-dunk town and now I just jump up and leave?  I have a really good job with a few minor flaws, but I handle them every day...but now I'm going to jump on being low man on the totem pole once again?  I'm leaving friends who now have turned into family for what?  For me selfishly giving my soul to the Navy without a 100% guarentee that I'll even make it.  Now with that, this move sounds a little bit ridiculous to me.  I'm scared shitless.  I'm scared that my plan will crumble before me as most have them have.  I'm scared that if I don't make it, I'll have nothing left.  I'll end up being a fucking loser.

Coming back to Tawas was a life changing experience.  For good and bad.  I got to see my wonderful family that I miss and love so much.  Nicole and Ashley have grown up to be beautiful, wonderful and mature women.  I have never have been so proud in my entire life to watch Nicole graduate from Tawas and then to be there with her when she had her first "real" job interview with a local home health care company.  As for Ashley, I had my proud momma moment being there for her first day at work at DQ.  Today she even recieved her first paycheck!  My father has grown old.  I worry about his health and how much longer he has left with us.  I hate that he has to gasp for air.  I hate that he has made mistakes in the past to lead to his current diagnois of moderate COPD.  Under those unfortunate circumstances, it is more incentive for me to get into the Navy and to take care of him as much as I can.  My mother has never looked so happy.  I'm happy that she has finally found the love of her life (Tom) and that I finally got to see her after 3 years.  I never want to let that much time pass by like that ever again. 

Along with spending 90% of my time with my family I got to see a few friends.  Joel, my new addition to my family, I just love him to death.  I am so happy that he's back in my life, and happy to see him truly happy.  Nicole T, my dearest friend, looks beautiful as ever.  I'm so proud of her for graduating college, while keeping down a full time job, and finding herself the love of her life.  As for others that I've seen, they've all moved on with their lives.  They are getting married, getting pregnant, having babies, graduating from college and basically moving up the food chain. =]  Then there are some friends that I thought were close friends, but things never change in their life.  I feel bad that they still make a conscious decisions in illegal and immature matters.  It just proves that they don't care about their lives.

Speaking of caring about their lives, I care about mine.  On the 3rd, I went down to Troy for MEPS.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  Unfortunately I got temporarily disqualified for my "weight."  The day before I left for Troy I measured at 34% body fat and mysteriously the next day I jump up to 37%.   I got royally screwed over, but everything happens for a reason.  This has given me the opportunity to come back to Lemoore, quit my job due to relocation, and move back to Michigan until I leave for bootcamp.  I know what I want and thankfully I am able to join and I will take full advantage of everything the Navy puts in my way.

Wow...three weeks, I'll be making my trip back to Michigan for good.  It is a lot to take in, but it is my time to be selfish.  It is my time to take that next step in my life and do what I want.  Wish me luck. =]

As we all know, I have been talking to my Navy recruiter these past few days to get my ducks in a row.  He crushed my dreams about becoming a corpsman because that rate is closed.  He then stomped my next dream about becoming a yeoman because that rate is just as closed so I was left to contemplate what would be my next option.  Then my old co-worker came into the office and said "Intelligence Specialist."  My response was what the hell is that?  He explained it and I talked it over with my recruiter and since the rate is wide open, it looks like that will be my new job.  If any of you get a chance to look it up, it sounds cool as shit!  Once I graduate from bootcamp, I'll be shipped off to Virgina for school, and then hopefully to my first ship.   Life is going to get pretty awesome here soon!

Oh and I will be swearing into the Navy while I am home, June 3rd.  I'll make sure to take lots of pictures and not to cry to much!  I love the Navy!

Today I spoke with my recruiter.  I have started the paperwork, and sounds like he's setting everything up so when I come home I'll be able to swear into the Navy. =]  After that it is just the waiting process until I leave for bootcamp.  Oh and more good news, the divorce will officially be over with September 6th and I will be back to being Ms. Michelle Gross. =]  I can't wait.  I am super excited.  Life is looking up!

I'm getting in shape to join the navy has a corpsman.  When I come home, I will be talking to a recruiter and signing up.  Yay, go me! =]  I am finally being selfish and doing what I want to do.

I feel awful for not writing in here as much as I want to, but if I did, I'm sure I'd sound like a mad woman.  My emotions vary so much from day to day.  One day I will be man hating, and the next I'll be drooling over blue eyes down the hallway praying for us to "accidently" bump into each other.  (Which by the way it almost happened last week, he flew out of his office so fast and scared the hell out of me.) 

Anywho, I have come to terms with my future relationships.  I am going to wait to have sex.  With all of my medical diagnosises lately, it is just better off that my future boyfriend gets to know the real me before we take that next step, and if he truly cares then he wouldn't judge me for my mistakes per say.  Even then, I might not even want it.  I want to do it the old fashion way, I want to fall in love first.  So when it does happen, it's magical and meaningful.  That I can wait for.  I know, I know...you all are saying what the hell Michelle, this isn't you.  Well it is now.  I've come to admire a dear friend of mine.  He is the sweetest boy I know, and he wants to wait until marriage to give himself to his wife.  Good for him, but it seems that with society today, people shun that idea.  "You need to test out the car before you buy it."  Whatever, I hate that idea.  That is why so many people are sexed crazed.  They are all about that high and the adrenaline rush, yet have lost the meaning of this beautiful intimate activity.  I mean really, look back and think about the last time you truly waited to have sex with someone, and when it did happen, how did you feel.  I know that when it happened for me, I was head over heals in love with Justin and as soon as it happened it was as if our love for each other grew ten fold.  That is what I yearn for again. 

Today I had one of those moments every women longs for.  While I was at lunch with a few friends, one of the new friends was at the opposite side of the table and would shoot me glances that would send shivers down throughout my body.  I was so in shock that he acted interested that I stayed quite the whole lunch.  I was flustered because he was moving to away for a job here soon and my other friend was interested in him.  I would never cross that boundary.  Maybe I am letting love pass by, but I would never lose a friendship over it.  I'm sure there will be another.

That is pretty much the excitement of my life, meaning my life isn't that exciting.  I am hoping it will change here soon and I have a feeling it will.

I don't even know when the last time I posted on here, but I can tell you since then a hell of a lot changed.  I felt like all last month I was sick, if it was not one thing, it was another.  I have cut off all possible boyfriend relationships.  I am trying to get closer to my true friends, and rekindle a few other friendships.  I am trying to get myself focused.  I'm tired of being sex crazed, and under certain circumstances that also came up while I was sick, I can no longer live that life style.  What has happened is a blessing in disguise, and I know it.   It will just take me time to live with it.  So in the mean while, I am really doing some honest soul searching.  I am going to live life how I want it.  Who gives a shit if I want to do my hair in victory curls...or wear a vintage dress.  As long as it makes me happy, thats all that matters.  Someone is out there that will appreciate my life style. =] 

Every time I walk threw the doors of my church, I get this one of a kind adrenaline rush.  It is a high that I start craving once the service is over, but keeps me long for the following Sunday.  I get goose bumps thinking about it, and words that I praise.  I found my home, my one and only love.

Todays service was outstanding as usual.  We continued on "How we grow."  I know I didn't post last Sunday's because I have been love sick with the wrong man, but now I know that I can only be love sick with one man and that is the good Lord.  Back to the service, today's topic was about private disciplines.  Our pastor brought up a good topic to chew on, disicplines end in progess whether they are done with a good attitude or a sour one.  For example, we may hate getting up in the morning to work out before work.  We may even curse to the high heavens for them not blessing us with a high metabolism, but in the end, we made that little bit of progess to make ourselves healthier.    It all leads to future gradification.  Most of what we talked about was in Matthews chapter 6. 

"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them.  If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven."  Matthew 6:1

"But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret.  Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."  Matthews 6: 3-4

"And when you pray, do not be like the hyprocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men.  I tell you the truth, they have recieved their reward in full.  But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen.  Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."  Matthew 6: 5-6

All of that is about your own private disciplines with the Lord.  Don't do it because it's the you think it's the right thing to do, and the only thing that will get you into heaven.  Do it because you know it is the right thing.  Do it because you know Jesus died for us, and all he wants is for us to trust him and to help us grow in our faith.  Do it because you feel him inside of your heart, body, mind and soul.

It is amazing that this is only week four that I have gone, but I already feel the change.  There is a little more pep in my step, and I hold onto my smiles just a little big longer.  It is because I am finally complete.  I am whole.  Granted that I still have plenty of more room to grow in my faith, I am still in my "baby phase" but it only gets better from here.